I made it another day. I keep wanting to talk to Jason, but I don't know what I'd even talk about. I just want to share everything with him... and wonder what he's been up to.. and if he misses me too. I consider different ways to leave messages that I know he'll see, but I know that's still breaking the rules. (I'm assuming he doesn't know this page exists.) What am I supposed to accomplish with this effort?? I guess I'm hoping I'll know by the end of it. Everything seems to be geared toward winning him back in some long term plan... Isn't that plan stupid? If it's a stupid idea then what's the point of following these little rules? I'm just setting myself up to be hurt again - every time. I know that what I am hoping for isn't going to happen anytime soon. I just have this hope that ... I don't know.... I just want to be near him.
I don't think I'm giving myself enough time to think. There's a reason we're not together. Jason is relieved to not deal with my mental issues... what am I relieved about? I think I need to find that and move on. I hope things don't get more complicated soon.... I guess it doesn't really matter. It's ok if it gets complicated because I have to remember that I killed what we had. When you kill something it doesn't come back. No use pinning over what I can't get back. Still... it would be best for my own future if it doesn't get complicated.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Day 3 no contact: (tot) -1 demerit
Today hurt more than most. I made it through another day. What keeps me going is the thought that I need to finish this first step. 30 days, no contact. I'm afraid of what is at the end, though. I'm afraid I find that we were not meant to be, that i was deluding myself. But if not this, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn in this month. I keep asking myself the question: do I miss him? or do I just miss the habit of having someone there? I was telling myself earlier today that it seems like all the thoughts I have are just about having someone, being lonely. But then the smallest things remind me of our time together: my car keys, the tote bag from Alaska... none of these things are about him, but there are so many memories. I guess it still seems like I am pining for the memories. I was happy with the times we spent together. But I keep scolding myself "apparently not happy enough", "they were lies" "you deserve this", "you broke it".
Probably worse today because of my therapy appointment tomorrow. I have no idea what to say. I have had a hard time making myself process everything that has been going on. I think of things and I know I should be writing them down, but when the book is within reach, I choose to shy away from facing the problem. The thoughts do come on their own. And words run through my mind, but only when I am away from my notebook. I keep wondering, forgetting, what it is I have to work on, that end goal. I remind myself there is still that question "why did I give in that time in June". I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid it is that I wasn't in Love. This is the only question I can think of because it was formed before the pain set in. I can't process new questions because I fall into thinking this pain is the new reality, that I broke it and it can't be fixed. I just need to move on. I know I shouldn't, but I think I'm still fighting for that hope that if I make steps and finish them, Jason will forgive me. I know it isn't the way this will work. But is only day 3.
Probably worse today because of my therapy appointment tomorrow. I have no idea what to say. I have had a hard time making myself process everything that has been going on. I think of things and I know I should be writing them down, but when the book is within reach, I choose to shy away from facing the problem. The thoughts do come on their own. And words run through my mind, but only when I am away from my notebook. I keep wondering, forgetting, what it is I have to work on, that end goal. I remind myself there is still that question "why did I give in that time in June". I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid it is that I wasn't in Love. This is the only question I can think of because it was formed before the pain set in. I can't process new questions because I fall into thinking this pain is the new reality, that I broke it and it can't be fixed. I just need to move on. I know I shouldn't, but I think I'm still fighting for that hope that if I make steps and finish them, Jason will forgive me. I know it isn't the way this will work. But is only day 3.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Fat
I'm feeling fat. My pants feel too tight. I feel the rolls on my body. My bra won't sit right. Even my face feels fat the way these glasses fit.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I love him.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can get through this right now. We'll figure it out. Everything will be better if i can be with him. Forever. I can't imagine myself old. I'll be with him for as long as i can imagine. Until our kids are preteens. I just want him to be happy. I just want to be the one to make him happy. I can do it. I want to do it.
We fight. It's not unusual. We're fighting less. It hurts. Doesn't he see that it hurts? I want to be better. I don't want him to blame it all on me. I can take it though. He can blame it all on me. Just give me time. Just love me again. Look at me the way you used to.
We fight. It's not unusual. We're fighting less. It hurts. Doesn't he see that it hurts? I want to be better. I don't want him to blame it all on me. I can take it though. He can blame it all on me. Just give me time. Just love me again. Look at me the way you used to.
Monday, December 21, 2009
I'm sorry.
He's right that i just need time. But, even though he gives me time, i don't spend it thinking about what i should. I'm too focused on not losing him. Really though, i still haven't figured it out myself. Do I love him? Maybe i can't show him anymore because i don't feel it like i used to. I'm not lying when i say i don't want to lose him. I really don't. I just haven't figured out if it's because i want him, or because i want someone. Also, i'm still stuck on the fact that he is my only. I can't get past that. I need to tell myself that it's not important. I still haven't decided, but i'm content to just go on like this. It's not fair to him though. I want to break it off just so i stop hurting him. I won't. I'm too weak to be the better person. I'm sorry that he's "crazy in love" with me. I just don't feel it right now. I love him like a friend. I don't think it's enough. I can't do it though. It has to be him. I'm thinking this now, but maybe in a few hours i'll remember why i love him. I just can't remember right now.
And this thing with Michael.. no one understands me. I guess Jason's love for me is more pure. He can't think about anyone else the way he thinks about me. I DON'T love anyone else like i love him, but he doesn't understand how i feel it. Michael means nothing to me. It just makes it worse that he's Jason's friend. I can't say bad things about Michael because Jason doesn't see any. How can I see any? The thing with Michael hurts, but he could disappear and i wouldn't care. I don't want Jason to go. I just don't. I can't love him the way he wants me to, but i still don't want him to go. It's not right. I know it's not right. I can't change this. Maybe if i wait. I can fall in love with Jason again. Like it use to be.
And this thing with Michael.. no one understands me. I guess Jason's love for me is more pure. He can't think about anyone else the way he thinks about me. I DON'T love anyone else like i love him, but he doesn't understand how i feel it. Michael means nothing to me. It just makes it worse that he's Jason's friend. I can't say bad things about Michael because Jason doesn't see any. How can I see any? The thing with Michael hurts, but he could disappear and i wouldn't care. I don't want Jason to go. I just don't. I can't love him the way he wants me to, but i still don't want him to go. It's not right. I know it's not right. I can't change this. Maybe if i wait. I can fall in love with Jason again. Like it use to be.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Having a good day :)
I woke up still feeling stressed by my study habits, but it was early enough to catch a ride to school :)
We got our midterms back in 355 and I got 90! And, on top of that, he said no one got the last problem section completely right. I almost did! Just 2 points off, which he changed to 1 because of how bad everyone else did.
I followed Jason's advice to just read my textbook in class. Half listening to her lecture, it still annoyed me because she made things kind of confusing, but the book isn't. She was practically following the book exactly. I didn't get all nervous that I am behind and confused, either because we started a new section today.
I am somewhat cold because I forgot to grab a hoodie to wear under my jacket, but I will meet Joy soon to borrow one :)
I hope this good feeling keeps up so I can get more work done.
Maybe it's because I feel so in love again. I don't mean to say that I didn't feel it before, but somehow it was so much stronger yesterday. I finally understood what he meant by "more and more". I could feel it happening at that moment. It wasn't just more by comparison. I definitely have fallen more in love with him since I first got the feeling. I don't know how to quantify it... I love the idea of being with him.
ok, so i didn't get the research position in taiwan this summer. but that's ok! at least i finally tried to do something.
EDIT 7:06 PM: this is why I shouldn't use blogs. I can't commit to a post. Anyway, that weird high is gone. I guess I'm kind of bummed that I didn't get the job, but I'm not sure if I could've done it anyway. Just.. I'm back to the stress of everything going on this week. I always said that I'd get on it this quarter, but it was always, "oh, it's just the second week". Now, I've lost again. At least this stress is manageable right now. I don't feel TOO overwhelmed.
We got our midterms back in 355 and I got 90! And, on top of that, he said no one got the last problem section completely right. I almost did! Just 2 points off, which he changed to 1 because of how bad everyone else did.
I followed Jason's advice to just read my textbook in class. Half listening to her lecture, it still annoyed me because she made things kind of confusing, but the book isn't. She was practically following the book exactly. I didn't get all nervous that I am behind and confused, either because we started a new section today.
I am somewhat cold because I forgot to grab a hoodie to wear under my jacket, but I will meet Joy soon to borrow one :)
I hope this good feeling keeps up so I can get more work done.
Maybe it's because I feel so in love again. I don't mean to say that I didn't feel it before, but somehow it was so much stronger yesterday. I finally understood what he meant by "more and more". I could feel it happening at that moment. It wasn't just more by comparison. I definitely have fallen more in love with him since I first got the feeling. I don't know how to quantify it... I love the idea of being with him.
ok, so i didn't get the research position in taiwan this summer. but that's ok! at least i finally tried to do something.
EDIT 7:06 PM: this is why I shouldn't use blogs. I can't commit to a post. Anyway, that weird high is gone. I guess I'm kind of bummed that I didn't get the job, but I'm not sure if I could've done it anyway. Just.. I'm back to the stress of everything going on this week. I always said that I'd get on it this quarter, but it was always, "oh, it's just the second week". Now, I've lost again. At least this stress is manageable right now. I don't feel TOO overwhelmed.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Uncovering problems
Let me describe how i've been feeling lately. Lately meaning that it hasn't been long, not more than a week, but it feels so significant to me.
When i'm by myself, at home or at school, i just feel really lonely. It's not that there aren't people around, i'm never really physically alone, i just feel that there's no one to talk to. There's people in my class that i know, and have talked to. It wouldn't be so hard to start a conversation with them. I just go through classes and zone out. I don't want to talk to anyone. I keep thinking about myself and those things that worry me so much, those things that i know i have to do something about, but never do. I just feel sad.
Then there's times when i see my friends. Suddenly i have so much to say. Then i wonder if i'm just rambling about myself. I feel like i'm talking too much, but knowing me, too much is actually normal to other people. I guess it'd be hard for anyone else to understand why this worries me. I'm not actually sure why it does. It feels like there's something wrong. There must be something wrong for me to be acting so differently. Maybe i have finally found people that i'm comfortable around. My family knows that i can run my mouth about nothing. I keep telling myself to stop worrying. Actually, maybe it's just so strange because i haven't been spending enough time with my friends this past year.
I wonder why i want to cry so much when i'm by myself. I wander aimlessly and buy random stuff for myself, don't ever feel like doing anything. I don't have anywhere to go. Sometimes the library feels so secluded, just making me more depressed. I'm just lazy to do my homework at school because my textbooks are heavy and i actually need to use them this quarter. I didn't make good use of spring break to clean my room. I can't focus in here. Phuong has moved out, my grandma's not here, my mom is just mad at me all the time...
I can't type coherently without crying.
My mind is just a big mess. When i see a big mess, i just want to pull it all out and sort through it, but when i do it's kind of overwhelming. There's too many things to think about. I don't know how to handle it.
I don't know my friends anymore. They're changing. We all change, but i'm not keeping up. Soon, i will have no close friends, just people that i call my friends. I need to put in more effort, but i'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.
In the process of writing this, i missed washing the dishes. I feel bad because my aunt isn't feeling well. I was going to!... i just didn't want to leave this half written. Now i've just kept writing because i knew she was doing it. Most of those dishes aren't even mine, you know... she's silly for making a bunch of food that no one is home to eat, and no one really wants to eat. I appreciate it, though, and just fail at showing it at all.
I haven't eaten with everyone for a while now. I make random things for myself to eat. There's so little that i want to eat. We never even sit down as a family anymore. I feel weird sitting with Jason's family, but i miss it with mine. Mom doesn't even try anymore. I can't fix it. Everyone just gives me looks. I feel like i'm doing everything wrong. Maybe i am. I think i know how to fix it. I just hate myself more for not doing it.
When i'm by myself, at home or at school, i just feel really lonely. It's not that there aren't people around, i'm never really physically alone, i just feel that there's no one to talk to. There's people in my class that i know, and have talked to. It wouldn't be so hard to start a conversation with them. I just go through classes and zone out. I don't want to talk to anyone. I keep thinking about myself and those things that worry me so much, those things that i know i have to do something about, but never do. I just feel sad.
Then there's times when i see my friends. Suddenly i have so much to say. Then i wonder if i'm just rambling about myself. I feel like i'm talking too much, but knowing me, too much is actually normal to other people. I guess it'd be hard for anyone else to understand why this worries me. I'm not actually sure why it does. It feels like there's something wrong. There must be something wrong for me to be acting so differently. Maybe i have finally found people that i'm comfortable around. My family knows that i can run my mouth about nothing. I keep telling myself to stop worrying. Actually, maybe it's just so strange because i haven't been spending enough time with my friends this past year.
I wonder why i want to cry so much when i'm by myself. I wander aimlessly and buy random stuff for myself, don't ever feel like doing anything. I don't have anywhere to go. Sometimes the library feels so secluded, just making me more depressed. I'm just lazy to do my homework at school because my textbooks are heavy and i actually need to use them this quarter. I didn't make good use of spring break to clean my room. I can't focus in here. Phuong has moved out, my grandma's not here, my mom is just mad at me all the time...
I can't type coherently without crying.
My mind is just a big mess. When i see a big mess, i just want to pull it all out and sort through it, but when i do it's kind of overwhelming. There's too many things to think about. I don't know how to handle it.
I don't know my friends anymore. They're changing. We all change, but i'm not keeping up. Soon, i will have no close friends, just people that i call my friends. I need to put in more effort, but i'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.
In the process of writing this, i missed washing the dishes. I feel bad because my aunt isn't feeling well. I was going to!... i just didn't want to leave this half written. Now i've just kept writing because i knew she was doing it. Most of those dishes aren't even mine, you know... she's silly for making a bunch of food that no one is home to eat, and no one really wants to eat. I appreciate it, though, and just fail at showing it at all.
I haven't eaten with everyone for a while now. I make random things for myself to eat. There's so little that i want to eat. We never even sit down as a family anymore. I feel weird sitting with Jason's family, but i miss it with mine. Mom doesn't even try anymore. I can't fix it. Everyone just gives me looks. I feel like i'm doing everything wrong. Maybe i am. I think i know how to fix it. I just hate myself more for not doing it.
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