Return to my old ways

I never felt like I was in such a rut as i do now, back at home. I think it's because of this compartmentalizing thing I do, where I didn't think about the problems I had at home because I was away from it all. Now I am back here to deal with it all at the same time, and I can't handle it. There is a sensory overload and my brain cannot process everything that needs to be done. When there's too much to do I shut down. It's this room too, because it is tucked away in its own corner of the house, I managed to avoid interaction and get stuck on the Internet. Maybe that's how my brother feels too. The layout makes it easy to hide from problems. With my mom gone for the past few weeks, I feel like there is no one supporting me either. Sure, everyone else cares, but they don't know how to reach out to me. The only one I had to support me on days like this was banished, by my own doing.

That's not to say I want him back. It is just another example of how I was too dependent on another person for my well being. Having that relationship was more of an escape, a 5 year distraction on what I really needed to develop. I consider jumping at the chance to replace him because it would be easier than dealing with reality, but I forgot that making new connections takes work. I have no more resources, no backups coming, this is what I have and I need to make the rest of it function before I get more reinforcements. This is probably why I held on to the relationship for so long. Learning to communicate, going to parties, making plans for the future... these were all just distractions from the problems in front of  me.