Day 3 no contact: (tot) -1 demerit

Today hurt more than most. I made it through another day. What keeps me going is the thought that I need to finish this first step. 30 days, no contact. I'm afraid of what is at the end, though. I'm afraid I find that we were not meant to be, that i was deluding myself. But if not this, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn in this month. I keep asking myself the question: do I miss him? or do I just miss the habit of having someone there? I was telling myself earlier today that it seems like all the thoughts I have are just about having someone, being lonely. But then the smallest things remind me of our time together: my car keys, the tote bag from Alaska... none of these things are about him, but there are so many memories. I guess it still seems like I am pining for the memories. I was happy with the times we spent together. But I keep scolding myself "apparently not happy enough", "they were lies" "you deserve this", "you broke it".

Probably worse today because of my therapy appointment tomorrow. I have no idea what to say. I have had a hard time making myself process everything that has been going on. I think of things and I know I should be writing them down, but when the book is within reach, I choose to shy away from facing the problem. The thoughts do come on their own. And words run through my mind, but only when I am away from my notebook. I keep wondering, forgetting, what it is I have to work on, that end goal. I remind myself there is still that question "why did I give in that time in June". I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid it is that I wasn't in Love. This is the only question I can think of because it was formed before the pain set in. I can't process new questions because I fall into thinking this pain is the new reality, that I broke it and it can't be fixed. I just need to move on. I know I shouldn't, but I think I'm still fighting for that hope that if I make steps and finish them, Jason will forgive me. I know it isn't the way this will work. But is only day 3.