Uncovering problems

Let me describe how i've been feeling lately. Lately meaning that it hasn't been long, not more than a week, but it feels so significant to me.

When i'm by myself, at home or at school, i just feel really lonely. It's not that there aren't people around, i'm never really physically alone, i just feel that there's no one to talk to. There's people in my class that i know, and have talked to. It wouldn't be so hard to start a conversation with them. I just go through classes and zone out. I don't want to talk to anyone. I keep thinking about myself and those things that worry me so much, those things that i know i have to do something about, but never do. I just feel sad.

Then there's times when i see my friends. Suddenly i have so much to say. Then i wonder if i'm just rambling about myself. I feel like i'm talking too much, but knowing me, too much is actually normal to other people. I guess it'd be hard for anyone else to understand why this worries me. I'm not actually sure why it does. It feels like there's something wrong. There must be something wrong for me to be acting so differently. Maybe i have finally found people that i'm comfortable around. My family knows that i can run my mouth about nothing. I keep telling myself to stop worrying. Actually, maybe it's just so strange because i haven't been spending enough time with my friends this past year.

I wonder why i want to cry so much when i'm by myself. I wander aimlessly and buy random stuff for myself, don't ever feel like doing anything. I don't have anywhere to go. Sometimes the library feels so secluded, just making me more depressed. I'm just lazy to do my homework at school because my textbooks are heavy and i actually need to use them this quarter. I didn't make good use of spring break to clean my room. I can't focus in here. Phuong has moved out, my grandma's not here, my mom is just mad at me all the time...

I can't type coherently without crying.
My mind is just a big mess. When i see a big mess, i just want to pull it all out and sort through it, but when i do it's kind of overwhelming. There's too many things to think about. I don't know how to handle it.

---

I don't know my friends anymore. They're changing. We all change, but i'm not keeping up. Soon, i will have no close friends, just people that i call my friends. I need to put in more effort, but i'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.

---

In the process of writing this, i missed washing the dishes. I feel bad because my aunt isn't feeling well. I was going to!... i just didn't want to leave this half written. Now i've just kept writing because i knew she was doing it. Most of those dishes aren't even mine, you know... she's silly for making a bunch of food that no one is home to eat, and no one really wants to eat. I appreciate it, though, and just fail at showing it at all.

I haven't eaten with everyone for a while now. I make random things for myself to eat. There's so little that i want to eat. We never even sit down as a family anymore. I feel weird sitting with Jason's family, but i miss it with mine. Mom doesn't even try anymore. I can't fix it. Everyone just gives me looks. I feel like i'm doing everything wrong. Maybe i am. I think i know how to fix it. I just hate myself more for not doing it.