Stuck in depressed mode

i've been thinking about killing myself again
My writing is terrible now. I kind of just write in here as a way to talk to Jason. I started to look at our past.. and he was really cute when I met him. I see old pictures and i start to feel like I did. I remember what it was like when he pulled me close, when he first touched my hand... And I went onto my old calendar and read about our first month together. I had so many problems, but none of it mattered when I was by his side. I haven't changed at all. Sure, I talk to people more, but the rollercoaster inside my head hasn't stopped.
i wish he was still my jasey, 
I threw it away before i knew what i had. I still love him, but it doesn't matter.
I wish i remembered how long this time the love has lasted. I wish I could remember when that conversation was. I told Michael that I no longer questioned if I loved Jason. I questioned everything else.