Moving On

I've been trying to distract myself from my problems but I'm finding myself back where I started: alone, empty, depressed. I still keep trying to stalk Jason even though I can't see anything since I defriended him on facebook. I couldn't see much in the first place. Maybe I'll resort to real life stalking. Still, this is for the best. Sadly, I am still counting down the days on the nanoblock build. I already figured out that I'm going to need more than a month of no-contact, so what am I counting down for?

The therapist said I need to figure out what I want, and have a talk with Jason if that is what I want. But everyone else has kindly pointed out that I need at least a couple months to a year to really clear  my head. Right now, I want to want Jason. But I don't know that I want him. These plans in my head aren't making sense. Ever since my mom went on her trip, I haven't had the motivation to do anything. Not saying I did anything before, but at least I wanted to.

Jason, I'm sorry if you're reading this. Well, maybe it doesn't hurt anymore... I'm kind of glad I can't hear from you, then I wouldn't be sad that you are moving on too.... I guess it's not fair this way, I should have to suffer through seeing you forget me. But I want you to be happy. I'll cry, but I want to see you happy.

I really want this one guy to answer my message. Maybe this isn't the best way to move on, by trying to jump onto someone else. Maybe I'm lying to myself and it really is this easy to get over Jason. Maybe I'm already over him. Everything else is just me trying to drag out the sadness, when it doesn't have to. I never want to get back with Jason because he loved me for what he wanted me to be, but inside I am filth.