He's right that i just need time. But, even though he gives me time, i don't spend it thinking about what i should. I'm too focused on not losing him. Really though, i still haven't figured it out myself. Do I love him? Maybe i can't show him anymore because i don't feel it like i used to. I'm not lying when i say i don't want to lose him. I really don't. I just haven't figured out if it's because i want him, or because i want someone. Also, i'm still stuck on the fact that he is my only. I can't get past that. I need to tell myself that it's not important. I still haven't decided, but i'm content to just go on like this. It's not fair to him though. I want to break it off just so i stop hurting him. I won't. I'm too weak to be the better person. I'm sorry that he's "crazy in love" with me. I just don't feel it right now. I love him like a friend. I don't think it's enough. I can't do it though. It has to be him. I'm thinking this now, but maybe in a few hours i'll remember why i love him. I just can't remember right now.
And this thing with Michael.. no one understands me. I guess Jason's love for me is more pure. He can't think about anyone else the way he thinks about me. I DON'T love anyone else like i love him, but he doesn't understand how i feel it. Michael means nothing to me. It just makes it worse that he's Jason's friend. I can't say bad things about Michael because Jason doesn't see any. How can I see any? The thing with Michael hurts, but he could disappear and i wouldn't care. I don't want Jason to go. I just don't. I can't love him the way he wants me to, but i still don't want him to go. It's not right. I know it's not right. I can't change this. Maybe if i wait. I can fall in love with Jason again. Like it use to be.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Having a good day :)
I woke up still feeling stressed by my study habits, but it was early enough to catch a ride to school :)
We got our midterms back in 355 and I got 90! And, on top of that, he said no one got the last problem section completely right. I almost did! Just 2 points off, which he changed to 1 because of how bad everyone else did.
I followed Jason's advice to just read my textbook in class. Half listening to her lecture, it still annoyed me because she made things kind of confusing, but the book isn't. She was practically following the book exactly. I didn't get all nervous that I am behind and confused, either because we started a new section today.
I am somewhat cold because I forgot to grab a hoodie to wear under my jacket, but I will meet Joy soon to borrow one :)
I hope this good feeling keeps up so I can get more work done.
Maybe it's because I feel so in love again. I don't mean to say that I didn't feel it before, but somehow it was so much stronger yesterday. I finally understood what he meant by "more and more". I could feel it happening at that moment. It wasn't just more by comparison. I definitely have fallen more in love with him since I first got the feeling. I don't know how to quantify it... I love the idea of being with him.
ok, so i didn't get the research position in taiwan this summer. but that's ok! at least i finally tried to do something.
EDIT 7:06 PM: this is why I shouldn't use blogs. I can't commit to a post. Anyway, that weird high is gone. I guess I'm kind of bummed that I didn't get the job, but I'm not sure if I could've done it anyway. Just.. I'm back to the stress of everything going on this week. I always said that I'd get on it this quarter, but it was always, "oh, it's just the second week". Now, I've lost again. At least this stress is manageable right now. I don't feel TOO overwhelmed.
We got our midterms back in 355 and I got 90! And, on top of that, he said no one got the last problem section completely right. I almost did! Just 2 points off, which he changed to 1 because of how bad everyone else did.
I followed Jason's advice to just read my textbook in class. Half listening to her lecture, it still annoyed me because she made things kind of confusing, but the book isn't. She was practically following the book exactly. I didn't get all nervous that I am behind and confused, either because we started a new section today.
I am somewhat cold because I forgot to grab a hoodie to wear under my jacket, but I will meet Joy soon to borrow one :)
I hope this good feeling keeps up so I can get more work done.
Maybe it's because I feel so in love again. I don't mean to say that I didn't feel it before, but somehow it was so much stronger yesterday. I finally understood what he meant by "more and more". I could feel it happening at that moment. It wasn't just more by comparison. I definitely have fallen more in love with him since I first got the feeling. I don't know how to quantify it... I love the idea of being with him.
ok, so i didn't get the research position in taiwan this summer. but that's ok! at least i finally tried to do something.
EDIT 7:06 PM: this is why I shouldn't use blogs. I can't commit to a post. Anyway, that weird high is gone. I guess I'm kind of bummed that I didn't get the job, but I'm not sure if I could've done it anyway. Just.. I'm back to the stress of everything going on this week. I always said that I'd get on it this quarter, but it was always, "oh, it's just the second week". Now, I've lost again. At least this stress is manageable right now. I don't feel TOO overwhelmed.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Uncovering problems
Let me describe how i've been feeling lately. Lately meaning that it hasn't been long, not more than a week, but it feels so significant to me.
When i'm by myself, at home or at school, i just feel really lonely. It's not that there aren't people around, i'm never really physically alone, i just feel that there's no one to talk to. There's people in my class that i know, and have talked to. It wouldn't be so hard to start a conversation with them. I just go through classes and zone out. I don't want to talk to anyone. I keep thinking about myself and those things that worry me so much, those things that i know i have to do something about, but never do. I just feel sad.
Then there's times when i see my friends. Suddenly i have so much to say. Then i wonder if i'm just rambling about myself. I feel like i'm talking too much, but knowing me, too much is actually normal to other people. I guess it'd be hard for anyone else to understand why this worries me. I'm not actually sure why it does. It feels like there's something wrong. There must be something wrong for me to be acting so differently. Maybe i have finally found people that i'm comfortable around. My family knows that i can run my mouth about nothing. I keep telling myself to stop worrying. Actually, maybe it's just so strange because i haven't been spending enough time with my friends this past year.
I wonder why i want to cry so much when i'm by myself. I wander aimlessly and buy random stuff for myself, don't ever feel like doing anything. I don't have anywhere to go. Sometimes the library feels so secluded, just making me more depressed. I'm just lazy to do my homework at school because my textbooks are heavy and i actually need to use them this quarter. I didn't make good use of spring break to clean my room. I can't focus in here. Phuong has moved out, my grandma's not here, my mom is just mad at me all the time...
I can't type coherently without crying.
My mind is just a big mess. When i see a big mess, i just want to pull it all out and sort through it, but when i do it's kind of overwhelming. There's too many things to think about. I don't know how to handle it.
I don't know my friends anymore. They're changing. We all change, but i'm not keeping up. Soon, i will have no close friends, just people that i call my friends. I need to put in more effort, but i'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.
In the process of writing this, i missed washing the dishes. I feel bad because my aunt isn't feeling well. I was going to!... i just didn't want to leave this half written. Now i've just kept writing because i knew she was doing it. Most of those dishes aren't even mine, you know... she's silly for making a bunch of food that no one is home to eat, and no one really wants to eat. I appreciate it, though, and just fail at showing it at all.
I haven't eaten with everyone for a while now. I make random things for myself to eat. There's so little that i want to eat. We never even sit down as a family anymore. I feel weird sitting with Jason's family, but i miss it with mine. Mom doesn't even try anymore. I can't fix it. Everyone just gives me looks. I feel like i'm doing everything wrong. Maybe i am. I think i know how to fix it. I just hate myself more for not doing it.
When i'm by myself, at home or at school, i just feel really lonely. It's not that there aren't people around, i'm never really physically alone, i just feel that there's no one to talk to. There's people in my class that i know, and have talked to. It wouldn't be so hard to start a conversation with them. I just go through classes and zone out. I don't want to talk to anyone. I keep thinking about myself and those things that worry me so much, those things that i know i have to do something about, but never do. I just feel sad.
Then there's times when i see my friends. Suddenly i have so much to say. Then i wonder if i'm just rambling about myself. I feel like i'm talking too much, but knowing me, too much is actually normal to other people. I guess it'd be hard for anyone else to understand why this worries me. I'm not actually sure why it does. It feels like there's something wrong. There must be something wrong for me to be acting so differently. Maybe i have finally found people that i'm comfortable around. My family knows that i can run my mouth about nothing. I keep telling myself to stop worrying. Actually, maybe it's just so strange because i haven't been spending enough time with my friends this past year.
I wonder why i want to cry so much when i'm by myself. I wander aimlessly and buy random stuff for myself, don't ever feel like doing anything. I don't have anywhere to go. Sometimes the library feels so secluded, just making me more depressed. I'm just lazy to do my homework at school because my textbooks are heavy and i actually need to use them this quarter. I didn't make good use of spring break to clean my room. I can't focus in here. Phuong has moved out, my grandma's not here, my mom is just mad at me all the time...
I can't type coherently without crying.
My mind is just a big mess. When i see a big mess, i just want to pull it all out and sort through it, but when i do it's kind of overwhelming. There's too many things to think about. I don't know how to handle it.
I don't know my friends anymore. They're changing. We all change, but i'm not keeping up. Soon, i will have no close friends, just people that i call my friends. I need to put in more effort, but i'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.
In the process of writing this, i missed washing the dishes. I feel bad because my aunt isn't feeling well. I was going to!... i just didn't want to leave this half written. Now i've just kept writing because i knew she was doing it. Most of those dishes aren't even mine, you know... she's silly for making a bunch of food that no one is home to eat, and no one really wants to eat. I appreciate it, though, and just fail at showing it at all.
I haven't eaten with everyone for a while now. I make random things for myself to eat. There's so little that i want to eat. We never even sit down as a family anymore. I feel weird sitting with Jason's family, but i miss it with mine. Mom doesn't even try anymore. I can't fix it. Everyone just gives me looks. I feel like i'm doing everything wrong. Maybe i am. I think i know how to fix it. I just hate myself more for not doing it.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
It won't stop snowing.
I've shut myself in. Honestly, i could just put on some boots and go out if i wanted. It's no one's fault but mine that i'm going crazy inside. I guess i have problems with my mom in my head, and i can feel guilty all on my own. I don't want to do housework; i just don't feel like it. Maybe i'm just a lazy spoiled kid. I don't want to do anything but hit the next button on my shows. Actually, I don't think i'm even watching. It's a funny show and i don't think i've laughed once at it. (Yeah, that's not really a problem. It just throws things out of proportion.)
I imagine telling my mom that i'm going out and can only think of the look she'd give me. Would she really give me that look? I always see it in my head, but block it out when it really happens. I've only seen Jason 2 times this week. Did we go on a date last Saturday? I think i was cleaning. I went over in the morning, but she doesn't know that. 2 times, and as far as she knows, none of that has been alone. But why do we need time alone, right? Too early for intimancy.
There's just some things that I don't need to let her know. If i told her what staying in was doing to me, she'd probably think it was okay to go out in the snow. But i cannot imagine trying to explain crazy to her. She completely denies existence of the crazy. I should be helping around the house; i don't do it even if i'm home. If I go out, then i don't feel bad about not helping. It was nice when my cousin was here. We had to go out even if it was snowing because they're only here for 4 days, so we have to get in all the siteseeing.
Anyway, i'll probably try going outside today. or clean my room. or both.
I imagine telling my mom that i'm going out and can only think of the look she'd give me. Would she really give me that look? I always see it in my head, but block it out when it really happens. I've only seen Jason 2 times this week. Did we go on a date last Saturday? I think i was cleaning. I went over in the morning, but she doesn't know that. 2 times, and as far as she knows, none of that has been alone. But why do we need time alone, right? Too early for intimancy.
There's just some things that I don't need to let her know. If i told her what staying in was doing to me, she'd probably think it was okay to go out in the snow. But i cannot imagine trying to explain crazy to her. She completely denies existence of the crazy. I should be helping around the house; i don't do it even if i'm home. If I go out, then i don't feel bad about not helping. It was nice when my cousin was here. We had to go out even if it was snowing because they're only here for 4 days, so we have to get in all the siteseeing.
Anyway, i'll probably try going outside today. or clean my room. or both.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Another half hour until he returns to me.
Ok, so he's not physically going to be here. And he hasn't emotionally gone anywhere. But mentally, he's not with me.
I can't talk to him if i feel like it. If I send him a text, he won't have any chance of reading it yet. I miss him when i don't have that imaginary connection. Whenever something else is not occupying my mind, I'll be counting the hours before I can talk to him again.
I hope I'm not being too attached. I wonder if he misses me too.
I can't talk to him if i feel like it. If I send him a text, he won't have any chance of reading it yet. I miss him when i don't have that imaginary connection. Whenever something else is not occupying my mind, I'll be counting the hours before I can talk to him again.
I hope I'm not being too attached. I wonder if he misses me too.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
update.
I love him so much, and i trust that he loves me too. I'll try hard not to question a good thing.
I'm just afraid there's something deep down that he doesn't see.
I felt better after talking to my Jasey, though, and got to sleep really happily. <3
I miss him so much and i can't wait to see him today =D
I'm just afraid there's something deep down that he doesn't see.
I felt better after talking to my Jasey, though, and got to sleep really happily. <3
I miss him so much and i can't wait to see him today =D
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