Uncovering problems

Let me describe how i've been feeling lately. Lately meaning that it hasn't been long, not more than a week, but it feels so significant to me.

When i'm by myself, at home or at school, i just feel really lonely. It's not that there aren't people around, i'm never really physically alone, i just feel that there's no one to talk to. There's people in my class that i know, and have talked to. It wouldn't be so hard to start a conversation with them. I just go through classes and zone out. I don't want to talk to anyone. I keep thinking about myself and those things that worry me so much, those things that i know i have to do something about, but never do. I just feel sad.

Then there's times when i see my friends. Suddenly i have so much to say. Then i wonder if i'm just rambling about myself. I feel like i'm talking too much, but knowing me, too much is actually normal to other people. I guess it'd be hard for anyone else to understand why this worries me. I'm not actually sure why it does. It feels like there's something wrong. There must be something wrong for me to be acting so differently. Maybe i have finally found people that i'm comfortable around. My family knows that i can run my mouth about nothing. I keep telling myself to stop worrying. Actually, maybe it's just so strange because i haven't been spending enough time with my friends this past year.

I wonder why i want to cry so much when i'm by myself. I wander aimlessly and buy random stuff for myself, don't ever feel like doing anything. I don't have anywhere to go. Sometimes the library feels so secluded, just making me more depressed. I'm just lazy to do my homework at school because my textbooks are heavy and i actually need to use them this quarter. I didn't make good use of spring break to clean my room. I can't focus in here. Phuong has moved out, my grandma's not here, my mom is just mad at me all the time...

I can't type coherently without crying.
My mind is just a big mess. When i see a big mess, i just want to pull it all out and sort through it, but when i do it's kind of overwhelming. There's too many things to think about. I don't know how to handle it.

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I don't know my friends anymore. They're changing. We all change, but i'm not keeping up. Soon, i will have no close friends, just people that i call my friends. I need to put in more effort, but i'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.

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In the process of writing this, i missed washing the dishes. I feel bad because my aunt isn't feeling well. I was going to!... i just didn't want to leave this half written. Now i've just kept writing because i knew she was doing it. Most of those dishes aren't even mine, you know... she's silly for making a bunch of food that no one is home to eat, and no one really wants to eat. I appreciate it, though, and just fail at showing it at all.

I haven't eaten with everyone for a while now. I make random things for myself to eat. There's so little that i want to eat. We never even sit down as a family anymore. I feel weird sitting with Jason's family, but i miss it with mine. Mom doesn't even try anymore. I can't fix it. Everyone just gives me looks. I feel like i'm doing everything wrong. Maybe i am. I think i know how to fix it. I just hate myself more for not doing it.

It won't stop snowing.

I've shut myself in. Honestly, i could just put on some boots and go out if i wanted. It's no one's fault but mine that i'm going crazy inside. I guess i have problems with my mom in my head, and i can feel guilty all on my own. I don't want to do housework; i just don't feel like it. Maybe i'm just a lazy spoiled kid. I don't want to do anything but hit the next button on my shows. Actually, I don't think i'm even watching. It's a funny show and i don't think i've laughed once at it. (Yeah, that's not really a problem. It just throws things out of proportion.)

I imagine telling my mom that i'm going out and can only think of the look she'd give me. Would she really give me that look? I always see it in my head, but block it out when it really happens. I've only seen Jason 2 times this week. Did we go on a date last Saturday? I think i was cleaning. I went over in the morning, but she doesn't know that. 2 times, and as far as she knows, none of that has been alone. But why do we need time alone, right? Too early for intimancy.

There's just some things that I don't need to let her know. If i told her what staying in was doing to me, she'd probably think it was okay to go out in the snow. But i cannot imagine trying to explain crazy to her. She completely denies existence of the crazy. I should be helping around the house; i don't do it even if i'm home. If I go out, then i don't feel bad about not helping. It was nice when my cousin was here. We had to go out even if it was snowing because they're only here for 4 days, so we have to get in all the siteseeing.

Anyway, i'll probably try going outside today. or clean my room. or both.

Another half hour until he returns to me.

Ok, so he's not physically going to be here. And he hasn't emotionally gone anywhere. But mentally, he's not with me.

I can't talk to him if i feel like it. If I send him a text, he won't have any chance of reading it yet. I miss him when i don't have that imaginary connection. Whenever something else is not occupying my mind, I'll be counting the hours before I can talk to him again.

I hope I'm not being too attached. I wonder if he misses me too.

For the record:

I'm starting to shut down again.

It's starting early this year.

update.

I love him so much, and i trust that he loves me too. I'll try hard not to question a good thing.
I'm just afraid there's something deep down that he doesn't see.
I felt better after talking to my Jasey, though, and got to sleep really happily. <3
I miss him so much and i can't wait to see him today =D

Midnight.

Can't sleep; keep thinking.
They're all jumbled thoughts, but i need to write them down.

I don't understand why he has to think about her. It's not normal to still feel that way after so long, after me. Why am I not good enough? Why does she still have so much power? I can't take it as well as i thought, but it's not so much to do with what i know. I've always imagined; i've always tortured myself to think about them together. It hurts so much, yet the bunnies don't help. I wanted to tell him today, that it was okay. Honestly, after all this, and all this thinking, what CAN i do? What can he do? I can only wait. Why did it have to be like this?
I'm crying so hard. She has so much power over me too.
I can't regret. I don't regret that i'm giving everything to him. I don't expect him to regret anything.
I secretly wish he would regret her; that he didn't give that spot to me. If only he knew i would come. I only hate myself more for those evil thoughts. I'm so selfish. I'm trying to let it go, but in finding my selflessness in him, i've found something that i want so badly and that i can never have; that place in his heart that she keeps, still. I hate her. I hate that i can't understand.
Will i understand if i go do it with some other guy? I don't think i can bear the thought.
The poems used to help this. I could pour them out and arrange the thoughts into fancy patterns. I'd concentrate on the words and forget the hole in my heart that they fell from. I can see it and read until the hurt, the hate, the unrequited love has dissolved into the text. When it's no longer in me, i can finally control the emotions that keep me up at night. They only come when i want.

I'm so empty now. That dark spot isn't even a hole. It's just a lump in my heart. The words won't fall out anymore. Empty of words; full of emotion that cannot escape. They turn into tears that i cannot control. I'm crying for the world to see now. I've no longer any place to hide.
I don't want to die.
Tonight, i thought the bad thoughts again. But they were beautiful this time. I'm beginning to realize that i just want to be beautiful. I'll be free from all the judgment, yet i still wish to receive it.
I don't know.
These words deserve more thought. I'll leave it for another time.

Reality and Happiness

I'm starting to open my eyes to the world. At every instant, i sinks in how much i am NOT living in reality right now. I like my world, the way it looks to me, but right now I'm somewhere in between. I see what i used to be, where i want to be; I'm starting to see where i belong. I keep wishing i could go back, but it's impossible. It just looks like my simple world is better, happier. However, I know Jason is on the other side. I need to be there with him. And even though i can't see it yet, there are many other good things waiting there.
I don't think I need these hidden messages anymore. They're tedious, anyway.
I feel like i'm a happy person, most the time. I imagine the trade off is intermittent bouts of sadness. I'm really sorry that Jason has to go through those with me. I love him so much. Maybe falling in love is what made me realize how selfish i was being in the first place. I want to be strong for him; I want to be the one that makes him happier despite anything that comes in life. He's brought me into consciousness, and with this i believe that i CAN change myself. I can learn to control my emotions and stop the cycle. I'll wake up, and grow up, and hope I don't drive him away before that happens.
I'll find somewhere else to dump the sadness, just not on him, anymore.
You hear that, Jasey? I love you. I have never been more thankful for anything in my life than meeting you.