Another half hour until he returns to me.

Ok, so he's not physically going to be here. And he hasn't emotionally gone anywhere. But mentally, he's not with me.

I can't talk to him if i feel like it. If I send him a text, he won't have any chance of reading it yet. I miss him when i don't have that imaginary connection. Whenever something else is not occupying my mind, I'll be counting the hours before I can talk to him again.

I hope I'm not being too attached. I wonder if he misses me too.

For the record:

I'm starting to shut down again.

It's starting early this year.

update.

I love him so much, and i trust that he loves me too. I'll try hard not to question a good thing.
I'm just afraid there's something deep down that he doesn't see.
I felt better after talking to my Jasey, though, and got to sleep really happily. <3
I miss him so much and i can't wait to see him today =D

Midnight.

Can't sleep; keep thinking.
They're all jumbled thoughts, but i need to write them down.

I don't understand why he has to think about her. It's not normal to still feel that way after so long, after me. Why am I not good enough? Why does she still have so much power? I can't take it as well as i thought, but it's not so much to do with what i know. I've always imagined; i've always tortured myself to think about them together. It hurts so much, yet the bunnies don't help. I wanted to tell him today, that it was okay. Honestly, after all this, and all this thinking, what CAN i do? What can he do? I can only wait. Why did it have to be like this?
I'm crying so hard. She has so much power over me too.
I can't regret. I don't regret that i'm giving everything to him. I don't expect him to regret anything.
I secretly wish he would regret her; that he didn't give that spot to me. If only he knew i would come. I only hate myself more for those evil thoughts. I'm so selfish. I'm trying to let it go, but in finding my selflessness in him, i've found something that i want so badly and that i can never have; that place in his heart that she keeps, still. I hate her. I hate that i can't understand.
Will i understand if i go do it with some other guy? I don't think i can bear the thought.
The poems used to help this. I could pour them out and arrange the thoughts into fancy patterns. I'd concentrate on the words and forget the hole in my heart that they fell from. I can see it and read until the hurt, the hate, the unrequited love has dissolved into the text. When it's no longer in me, i can finally control the emotions that keep me up at night. They only come when i want.

I'm so empty now. That dark spot isn't even a hole. It's just a lump in my heart. The words won't fall out anymore. Empty of words; full of emotion that cannot escape. They turn into tears that i cannot control. I'm crying for the world to see now. I've no longer any place to hide.
I don't want to die.
Tonight, i thought the bad thoughts again. But they were beautiful this time. I'm beginning to realize that i just want to be beautiful. I'll be free from all the judgment, yet i still wish to receive it.
I don't know.
These words deserve more thought. I'll leave it for another time.

Reality and Happiness

I'm starting to open my eyes to the world. At every instant, i sinks in how much i am NOT living in reality right now. I like my world, the way it looks to me, but right now I'm somewhere in between. I see what i used to be, where i want to be; I'm starting to see where i belong. I keep wishing i could go back, but it's impossible. It just looks like my simple world is better, happier. However, I know Jason is on the other side. I need to be there with him. And even though i can't see it yet, there are many other good things waiting there.
I don't think I need these hidden messages anymore. They're tedious, anyway.
I feel like i'm a happy person, most the time. I imagine the trade off is intermittent bouts of sadness. I'm really sorry that Jason has to go through those with me. I love him so much. Maybe falling in love is what made me realize how selfish i was being in the first place. I want to be strong for him; I want to be the one that makes him happier despite anything that comes in life. He's brought me into consciousness, and with this i believe that i CAN change myself. I can learn to control my emotions and stop the cycle. I'll wake up, and grow up, and hope I don't drive him away before that happens.
I'll find somewhere else to dump the sadness, just not on him, anymore.
You hear that, Jasey? I love you. I have never been more thankful for anything in my life than meeting you.

Cravings.

Want so many things right now.
Namely, oxy.
I don't "need" anything. I just want it.

Repeating the cycle.

Why am I doing this again?
I'm reading what Jason said about Livia.
I hate working so much that I torture myself?
It hurts so much to think about him with someone else.
I'm such a child. Why am I such an idiot?
It's not fair. Why am I so insecure?
I'm not worth everything I have.