Moving On

I've been trying to distract myself from my problems but I'm finding myself back where I started: alone, empty, depressed. I still keep trying to stalk Jason even though I can't see anything since I defriended him on facebook. I couldn't see much in the first place. Maybe I'll resort to real life stalking. Still, this is for the best. Sadly, I am still counting down the days on the nanoblock build. I already figured out that I'm going to need more than a month of no-contact, so what am I counting down for?

The therapist said I need to figure out what I want, and have a talk with Jason if that is what I want. But everyone else has kindly pointed out that I need at least a couple months to a year to really clear  my head. Right now, I want to want Jason. But I don't know that I want him. These plans in my head aren't making sense. Ever since my mom went on her trip, I haven't had the motivation to do anything. Not saying I did anything before, but at least I wanted to.

Jason, I'm sorry if you're reading this. Well, maybe it doesn't hurt anymore... I'm kind of glad I can't hear from you, then I wouldn't be sad that you are moving on too.... I guess it's not fair this way, I should have to suffer through seeing you forget me. But I want you to be happy. I'll cry, but I want to see you happy.

I really want this one guy to answer my message. Maybe this isn't the best way to move on, by trying to jump onto someone else. Maybe I'm lying to myself and it really is this easy to get over Jason. Maybe I'm already over him. Everything else is just me trying to drag out the sadness, when it doesn't have to. I never want to get back with Jason because he loved me for what he wanted me to be, but inside I am filth.

Return to my old ways

I never felt like I was in such a rut as i do now, back at home. I think it's because of this compartmentalizing thing I do, where I didn't think about the problems I had at home because I was away from it all. Now I am back here to deal with it all at the same time, and I can't handle it. There is a sensory overload and my brain cannot process everything that needs to be done. When there's too much to do I shut down. It's this room too, because it is tucked away in its own corner of the house, I managed to avoid interaction and get stuck on the Internet. Maybe that's how my brother feels too. The layout makes it easy to hide from problems. With my mom gone for the past few weeks, I feel like there is no one supporting me either. Sure, everyone else cares, but they don't know how to reach out to me. The only one I had to support me on days like this was banished, by my own doing.

That's not to say I want him back. It is just another example of how I was too dependent on another person for my well being. Having that relationship was more of an escape, a 5 year distraction on what I really needed to develop. I consider jumping at the chance to replace him because it would be easier than dealing with reality, but I forgot that making new connections takes work. I have no more resources, no backups coming, this is what I have and I need to make the rest of it function before I get more reinforcements. This is probably why I held on to the relationship for so long. Learning to communicate, going to parties, making plans for the future... these were all just distractions from the problems in front of  me.

Stuck in depressed mode

i've been thinking about killing myself again
My writing is terrible now. I kind of just write in here as a way to talk to Jason. I started to look at our past.. and he was really cute when I met him. I see old pictures and i start to feel like I did. I remember what it was like when he pulled me close, when he first touched my hand... And I went onto my old calendar and read about our first month together. I had so many problems, but none of it mattered when I was by his side. I haven't changed at all. Sure, I talk to people more, but the rollercoaster inside my head hasn't stopped.
i wish he was still my jasey, 
I threw it away before i knew what i had. I still love him, but it doesn't matter.
I wish i remembered how long this time the love has lasted. I wish I could remember when that conversation was. I told Michael that I no longer questioned if I loved Jason. I questioned everything else.

After talking with Jason

I have to admit, he's right; now that I think about why I'm angry at Linda, I don't have a good reason to be. And when I think about it, I realize that it is only because of the way she's talked to me after the fact. I guess i deserve the way she talks to me now. It's just hard to feel bad for her now, but she doesn't want me to anyway. I don't know how I feel about her, it's so complicated. I guess I just will feel neutral. At the very least I owe her my apologies.

Now, yesterday Jason and I fought about what we always fight about. It is good to remind myself why he's never been right for me. I have been lying to myself this whole time and the simplest answer is the best answer. It sucks to think about how there is still no one that will put up with me. But that's ok! I am on the path to be a different person. Taking it one day at a time.

Update on Feelings

I walked out of therapy thinking this wasn't an epiphany day, but something the counselor said stuck with me. He said i needed to focus more on how I feel and what I want instead of what I should be doing and what other people want. Let's try to be honest now:

I feel like Jason and I were ultimately not right for each other. Being together would just be forcing something that was not working. I shouldn't be in a relationship and I cannot even imagine when I will be in a state of mind to be. I think Jason had a good grasp of this situation, when he said that we shouldn't be together unless I can think that I deserve to be with him. The counselor suggested I vocalize this with Jason, but I guess him being able to read this is like me telling him. It isn't the time for us to talk yet. I'm not sure when that will be, but things are starting to get more clear.

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8:09 PM
Every time I write something like this, i start to regret saying it. I start processing trying to figure out if this is true or not. It's still like something is missing in my life and that was Jason. I lost something very important. I guess this is not going back on saying we shouldn't be together.

Short status update

It's weird that whenever I think about my future that I still include Jason. I guess it just takes time. I'm starting to get used to it though. I am debating defriending him on facebook until I can stop compulsively checking if he has had any activity. I have finally reached that point where I wonder if I should start putting someone else in place of Jason so I won't be thinking about him all the time. Just as a distraction.

I was making myself really sad today, thinking about how I made too many mistakes in all my relationships. Every relationship, I wish I could go back and hit the reset button. There isn't a single one that I wouldn't go back and change a little bit... I think I'm just really bad at this and will mess up any relationship I make. Maybe Jason was the only one who could really put up with it all. Then I realized that this is a bad way to look at things, because I still want Jason to have better than that. I'm afraid I can't ever not do something socially "off", though. I'll never be good enough for anyone.
I should just die.

Day # weekends don't count

I need to stop wondering where Jason is. He is fully entitled to move on... I sent one message and response between us today. I think that's an improvement. The goal here is to stop caring about what he is doing, so I think self depreciating messages are OK. I am working on a blog post, slowly. I think it'll be good when I finish it because I am slowly forcing myself to reflect more deeply; typing this is just to pass the time at night. I am pretty sure that what I had with Jason was not good for either of us and we just need to put in the effort to distance ourselves.
Please say something to me so I know you are there, that what I am doing is right.
I like to think you still check this because you care about me, but that is so selfish because I am trying to stop caring about you. It hurts to know that this is the right thing to do. Every I feel sad, I remind myself that I am the source of this pain.

Renewed pain

I'm going to recommit to this not talking thing. I'm going to remind myself that i dragged the relationship on out of habit and fear, not because he was right for me. I'm going to cut off contact, not until some silly toy if built, but when i can think about talking to him without wanting to win him back. Maybe when it stops hurting. If i never talk to him again, that's just how it has to be.
i say this every time i finish talking to him.
I can't believe i haven't changed in 5 years. Him telling me that i have... just lies, fooling myself. Been fooling myself that i was different and could maintain a relationship. I can't let myself ignore these issues anymore.
OMG i want to die so much right now. It HURTS. and i caused it. I am the maker of all this pain. And it hurts so much i just want to die and be free of it.

Distractions

Everyone wants to help distract me for me to move on. But I feel like I have so much work to do. All I have been doing my whole life is distracting myself and making mistakes. I feel like now is the time to hash out what is wrong with my head, and change my way of thinking. But if I take a step back and evaluate my motivations for doing this, I think that I am trying to prove to Jason that I can change and be better. I'm not sure how stupid of an idea this is. Maybe if not Jason, I can prove to myself that I am a better person and will be able to find a replacement-Jason. But that's not what life is about, is it? I have been trying to figure out if I am taking the wrong approach to this. If I really wanted Jason back, I need to move on first and start new with him. If I really wanted to move on, I'm supposed to distract myself and enjoy life. But everyone who tells me this doesn't know what's going on inside my head. Maybe if they did know what was going on, they would still insist that I go with the distractions.

I think this doubt comes from Jason's reaction to the nanoblock build. I see it as a marking in the passage of time. I feel like this is my month of self reflection, and my reward at the end will be hanging out with Jason again. The blocks are just to mark the passing of time as positive encouragement. It is hard to see the benefit at the end of the month, but each day I reward myself by seeing the building inch towards completion, inch towards the time that I can see Jason again. Jason's dismissing of the importance I place in this makes me think that he does not see us progressing towards a renewed relationship. That is why he does not see significance in these symbolic milestones that I have created. To him, this is the new reality; this is not a difficult road in our life together as a whole, but the transition between phases. It is the end of our "couple-phase" (took me a while to find a phrase that didn't hurt...) and this coming time is where we slowly taper off contact and develop the new boundaries which are rooted in nostalgia as opposed to creating new memories. Moving me to someone of his past...

Realizing this just... hurts. Maybe that is the benefit of the distractions: to mask the pain until i feel nothing but nostalgia. If I can just focus on my new future... wow that hurts too much to type anymore.

List

This doesn't belong with my rants, but I also don't feel like elaborating right now:
Therapy has just shown that there were so many more issues I was ignoring about myself. There's so much more for me to think about.
1) get past missing someone out of not having the habit of always having someone to confirm there were true feelings
2) work on personal image/esteem issues to prevent this from happening again in the future
3) learn to function as an individual to become less dependent and well rounded which will just increase happiness in general
4) date other people to confirm that i tried it and i don't want it, i still want you

This is the plan on how I can get back with Jason. I know this is a stupid idea; it's just what's in my head right now. The benefit is that this plan works for moving on, too. Really, I just need to get to the point that I accept that there are no more chances.
I'm starting to see what I needed and I don't know if Jason would even want to give that to me.
I need to focus on the fact that it didn't work out.

Day 2 this isn't working -1 demerit

I mean this no contact idea isn't working. It's more the principle of the idea that i'm sticking with. I feel like it is starting to work. It makes me have to think about what i'm feeling, rather than acting on it, instead of trying to hold on to what is not there anymore. There is so much more to process, but i can't right now. I think i'm finally in breakup mode. No more anger and punishment. Now i learn to cope with the loss. I'm going to get so fat. Depressed. Apathy, i fill it with food. As of now i think i'll give myself half credit today, but the day isn't over yet.

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11:55 pm
Forget the penalty... today was hard. I miss him but i know it's better this way. Hearing updates from Jason are bad though. It got me thinking that if the other two can work through it with therapy, why can't we? Isn't our relationship stronger? Then i remember that this is not my first chance. I have deep rooted personal issues, but i think with a little more open communication, the future will work well. That's dumb though, Jason probably doesn't want to deal with me now that he knows what goes on in my head. I wish i could just erase this whole relationship. I wish i wasn't so dumb for so many years and got Jason involved with my stupid piece of shit.

i should sleep
he don't want me anymore
want to cry
i still don't know if i even want it back
it doesn't hurt... it just... feels broken
empty, lonely, lost. you were my rock. i didn't appreciate it when i had it

200 pieces

I counted all the pieces. 20 more days to go. I'm really scared. I'm scared that in 20 days I won't be looking forward to seeing him. What if he doesn't want to see me? I shouldn't have counted the blocks. Now we'll be counting days and not moving on.

I start thinking: what's the point of this exercise if i know i won't be over him? But i can't let myself guess the end. The reason i'm doing this exercise is because i know we can't be together. This is supposed to make it easier. I shouldn't be happy about having such a short time. What will happen when the day comes? It's not like we're going to make love. Our relationship will still be the same -- dead. Hopefully that will be the day we can both move on.

Day 1 said goodbyes

I was thinking earlier today that i wouldn't have made it but to my surprise today was rather easy. Every time i considered contacting Jason, or wanting to go over to his house, i remembered how it would feel in the long run -- terrible. Last night Jason was telling me how he just wanted to feel me laying next to him. I miss that, too. However, i'm not going to let myself indulge because i need to get used to how it will be from now on. It is lost and i can't look back.

Not to say today was easy though. It was a hard functioning kind of day. It hurts to be reminded that there is no more future "us". It is dead, done, and over. All the words hurt though. Half of my life crumbled away. It's like... i was making cracks this whole time. Cracks and patching, then just breaking breaking... and then putting a whole bunch into mending. But then the glue was too heavy, and i was only fixing the cracks. It broke at the joint and shattered. That's it. Gone forever. There isn't going to be another half to replace it. Just have to build up what's left to fill the void.

Day 0 restart

I should not have told Jason about this blog. Should I keep writing in it like he won't see it?

Today, I have been talking to Jason all day, but I have nothing to talk about. I didn't realize before that we didn't have that much in common. We just liked to do things the other person wanted. I'm starting to consider that advice I got at the beginning, that maybe I shouldn't keep trying to hold onto this relationship. I don't seem to be capable of caring for someone.

That, and maybe I'm falling back into my depressive stage. There's no point to any of this. I guess this is the attitude that Jason is now free of.

Am I just fishing from sympathy now that Jason is reading? I hate that I have to consider that now... i guess if I really hated it I could just change the privacy settings. Our conversation yesterday reminded me why I need to start ignoring him again.  I have no answers for him yet, and it just hurts. And now to add to that I am also confused because I have half processed some things.

Work sucks again. Can't finish anything. No one to talk to. Living at home in this mess again. Unfinished projects. Maybe Jason was just a distraction from facing life. This is life. This is what I didn't want. The kid isn't even making me happy right now. He's just annoying, and mostly he's not my kid so I have no control over anything. I know I wasn't handed a life as bad as other people have had, but I don't know how to work through it.

I hate feeling like this. I rather feel nothing. Instead I'll cry.

Day 7 no contact: (tot) -2 demerits

I made it another day. I keep wanting to talk to Jason, but I don't know what I'd even talk about. I just want to share everything with him... and wonder what he's been up to.. and if he misses me too. I consider different ways to leave messages that I know he'll see, but I know that's still breaking the rules. (I'm assuming he doesn't know this page exists.) What am I supposed to accomplish with this effort?? I guess I'm hoping I'll know by the end of it. Everything seems to be geared toward winning him back in some long term plan... Isn't that plan stupid? If it's a stupid idea then what's the point of following these little rules? I'm just setting myself up to be hurt again - every time. I know that what I am hoping for isn't going to happen anytime soon. I just have this hope that ... I don't know.... I just want to be near him.

I don't think I'm giving myself enough time to think. There's a reason we're not together. Jason is relieved to not deal with my mental issues... what am I relieved about? I think I need to find that and move on. I hope things don't get more complicated soon.... I guess it doesn't really matter. It's ok if it gets complicated because I have to remember that I killed what we had. When you kill something it doesn't come back. No use pinning over what I can't get back. Still... it would be best for my own future if it doesn't get complicated.

Day 3 no contact: (tot) -1 demerit

Today hurt more than most. I made it through another day. What keeps me going is the thought that I need to finish this first step. 30 days, no contact. I'm afraid of what is at the end, though. I'm afraid I find that we were not meant to be, that i was deluding myself. But if not this, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn in this month. I keep asking myself the question: do I miss him? or do I just miss the habit of having someone there? I was telling myself earlier today that it seems like all the thoughts I have are just about having someone, being lonely. But then the smallest things remind me of our time together: my car keys, the tote bag from Alaska... none of these things are about him, but there are so many memories. I guess it still seems like I am pining for the memories. I was happy with the times we spent together. But I keep scolding myself "apparently not happy enough", "they were lies" "you deserve this", "you broke it".

Probably worse today because of my therapy appointment tomorrow. I have no idea what to say. I have had a hard time making myself process everything that has been going on. I think of things and I know I should be writing them down, but when the book is within reach, I choose to shy away from facing the problem. The thoughts do come on their own. And words run through my mind, but only when I am away from my notebook. I keep wondering, forgetting, what it is I have to work on, that end goal. I remind myself there is still that question "why did I give in that time in June". I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid it is that I wasn't in Love. This is the only question I can think of because it was formed before the pain set in. I can't process new questions because I fall into thinking this pain is the new reality, that I broke it and it can't be fixed. I just need to move on. I know I shouldn't, but I think I'm still fighting for that hope that if I make steps and finish them, Jason will forgive me. I know it isn't the way this will work. But is only day 3.

Fat

I'm feeling fat. My pants feel too tight. I feel the rolls on my body. My bra won't sit right. Even my face feels fat the way these glasses fit.

I love him.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can get through this right now. We'll figure it out. Everything will be better if i can be with him. Forever. I can't imagine myself old. I'll be with him for as long as i can imagine. Until our kids are preteens. I just want him to be happy. I just want to be the one to make him happy. I can do it. I want to do it.

We fight. It's not unusual. We're fighting less. It hurts. Doesn't he see that it hurts? I want to be better. I don't want him to blame it all on me. I can take it though. He can blame it all on me. Just give me time. Just love me again. Look at me the way you used to.

I'm sorry.

He's right that i just need time. But, even though he gives me time, i don't spend it thinking about what i should. I'm too focused on not losing him. Really though, i still haven't figured it out myself. Do I love him? Maybe i can't show him anymore because i don't feel it like i used to. I'm not lying when i say i don't want to lose him. I really don't. I just haven't figured out if it's because i want him, or because i want someone. Also, i'm still stuck on the fact that he is my only. I can't get past that. I need to tell myself that it's not important. I still haven't decided, but i'm content to just go on like this. It's not fair to him though. I want to break it off just so i stop hurting him. I won't. I'm too weak to be the better person. I'm sorry that he's "crazy in love" with me. I just don't feel it right now. I love him like a friend. I don't think it's enough. I can't do it though. It has to be him. I'm thinking this now, but maybe in a few hours i'll remember why i love him. I just can't remember right now.

And this thing with Michael.. no one understands me. I guess Jason's love for me is more pure. He can't think about anyone else the way he thinks about me. I DON'T love anyone else like i love him, but he doesn't understand how i feel it. Michael means nothing to me. It just makes it worse that he's Jason's friend. I can't say bad things about Michael because Jason doesn't see any. How can I see any? The thing with Michael hurts, but he could disappear and i wouldn't care. I don't want Jason to go. I just don't. I can't love him the way he wants me to, but i still don't want him to go. It's not right. I know it's not right. I can't change this. Maybe if i wait. I can fall in love with Jason again. Like it use to be.