Distractions

Everyone wants to help distract me for me to move on. But I feel like I have so much work to do. All I have been doing my whole life is distracting myself and making mistakes. I feel like now is the time to hash out what is wrong with my head, and change my way of thinking. But if I take a step back and evaluate my motivations for doing this, I think that I am trying to prove to Jason that I can change and be better. I'm not sure how stupid of an idea this is. Maybe if not Jason, I can prove to myself that I am a better person and will be able to find a replacement-Jason. But that's not what life is about, is it? I have been trying to figure out if I am taking the wrong approach to this. If I really wanted Jason back, I need to move on first and start new with him. If I really wanted to move on, I'm supposed to distract myself and enjoy life. But everyone who tells me this doesn't know what's going on inside my head. Maybe if they did know what was going on, they would still insist that I go with the distractions.

I think this doubt comes from Jason's reaction to the nanoblock build. I see it as a marking in the passage of time. I feel like this is my month of self reflection, and my reward at the end will be hanging out with Jason again. The blocks are just to mark the passing of time as positive encouragement. It is hard to see the benefit at the end of the month, but each day I reward myself by seeing the building inch towards completion, inch towards the time that I can see Jason again. Jason's dismissing of the importance I place in this makes me think that he does not see us progressing towards a renewed relationship. That is why he does not see significance in these symbolic milestones that I have created. To him, this is the new reality; this is not a difficult road in our life together as a whole, but the transition between phases. It is the end of our "couple-phase" (took me a while to find a phrase that didn't hurt...) and this coming time is where we slowly taper off contact and develop the new boundaries which are rooted in nostalgia as opposed to creating new memories. Moving me to someone of his past...

Realizing this just... hurts. Maybe that is the benefit of the distractions: to mask the pain until i feel nothing but nostalgia. If I can just focus on my new future... wow that hurts too much to type anymore.

List

This doesn't belong with my rants, but I also don't feel like elaborating right now:
Therapy has just shown that there were so many more issues I was ignoring about myself. There's so much more for me to think about.
1) get past missing someone out of not having the habit of always having someone to confirm there were true feelings
2) work on personal image/esteem issues to prevent this from happening again in the future
3) learn to function as an individual to become less dependent and well rounded which will just increase happiness in general
4) date other people to confirm that i tried it and i don't want it, i still want you

This is the plan on how I can get back with Jason. I know this is a stupid idea; it's just what's in my head right now. The benefit is that this plan works for moving on, too. Really, I just need to get to the point that I accept that there are no more chances.
I'm starting to see what I needed and I don't know if Jason would even want to give that to me.
I need to focus on the fact that it didn't work out.

Day 2 this isn't working -1 demerit

I mean this no contact idea isn't working. It's more the principle of the idea that i'm sticking with. I feel like it is starting to work. It makes me have to think about what i'm feeling, rather than acting on it, instead of trying to hold on to what is not there anymore. There is so much more to process, but i can't right now. I think i'm finally in breakup mode. No more anger and punishment. Now i learn to cope with the loss. I'm going to get so fat. Depressed. Apathy, i fill it with food. As of now i think i'll give myself half credit today, but the day isn't over yet.

---

11:55 pm
Forget the penalty... today was hard. I miss him but i know it's better this way. Hearing updates from Jason are bad though. It got me thinking that if the other two can work through it with therapy, why can't we? Isn't our relationship stronger? Then i remember that this is not my first chance. I have deep rooted personal issues, but i think with a little more open communication, the future will work well. That's dumb though, Jason probably doesn't want to deal with me now that he knows what goes on in my head. I wish i could just erase this whole relationship. I wish i wasn't so dumb for so many years and got Jason involved with my stupid piece of shit.

i should sleep
he don't want me anymore
want to cry
i still don't know if i even want it back
it doesn't hurt... it just... feels broken
empty, lonely, lost. you were my rock. i didn't appreciate it when i had it

200 pieces

I counted all the pieces. 20 more days to go. I'm really scared. I'm scared that in 20 days I won't be looking forward to seeing him. What if he doesn't want to see me? I shouldn't have counted the blocks. Now we'll be counting days and not moving on.

I start thinking: what's the point of this exercise if i know i won't be over him? But i can't let myself guess the end. The reason i'm doing this exercise is because i know we can't be together. This is supposed to make it easier. I shouldn't be happy about having such a short time. What will happen when the day comes? It's not like we're going to make love. Our relationship will still be the same -- dead. Hopefully that will be the day we can both move on.

Day 1 said goodbyes

I was thinking earlier today that i wouldn't have made it but to my surprise today was rather easy. Every time i considered contacting Jason, or wanting to go over to his house, i remembered how it would feel in the long run -- terrible. Last night Jason was telling me how he just wanted to feel me laying next to him. I miss that, too. However, i'm not going to let myself indulge because i need to get used to how it will be from now on. It is lost and i can't look back.

Not to say today was easy though. It was a hard functioning kind of day. It hurts to be reminded that there is no more future "us". It is dead, done, and over. All the words hurt though. Half of my life crumbled away. It's like... i was making cracks this whole time. Cracks and patching, then just breaking breaking... and then putting a whole bunch into mending. But then the glue was too heavy, and i was only fixing the cracks. It broke at the joint and shattered. That's it. Gone forever. There isn't going to be another half to replace it. Just have to build up what's left to fill the void.

Day 0 restart

I should not have told Jason about this blog. Should I keep writing in it like he won't see it?

Today, I have been talking to Jason all day, but I have nothing to talk about. I didn't realize before that we didn't have that much in common. We just liked to do things the other person wanted. I'm starting to consider that advice I got at the beginning, that maybe I shouldn't keep trying to hold onto this relationship. I don't seem to be capable of caring for someone.

That, and maybe I'm falling back into my depressive stage. There's no point to any of this. I guess this is the attitude that Jason is now free of.

Am I just fishing from sympathy now that Jason is reading? I hate that I have to consider that now... i guess if I really hated it I could just change the privacy settings. Our conversation yesterday reminded me why I need to start ignoring him again.  I have no answers for him yet, and it just hurts. And now to add to that I am also confused because I have half processed some things.

Work sucks again. Can't finish anything. No one to talk to. Living at home in this mess again. Unfinished projects. Maybe Jason was just a distraction from facing life. This is life. This is what I didn't want. The kid isn't even making me happy right now. He's just annoying, and mostly he's not my kid so I have no control over anything. I know I wasn't handed a life as bad as other people have had, but I don't know how to work through it.

I hate feeling like this. I rather feel nothing. Instead I'll cry.